My first post in many a while. Nothing travel or bike related. A pondering on life and where I find myself in it.
Here I am, sat in an office at 53 years old, doing a job I hate, wondering what on earth I’m going to be when I grow up.
Some people I know have always wanted to be what they are now. When I was a soldier, many of my friends had wanted to be soldiers since they could remember. Others have grown into careers they love. My own sister worked in retail before changing everything and becoming a nurse. It’s now a vocation for her, something she can’t ever see herself not doing.
Me…. I truly don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
I’ve never wanted to be anything. Never, in all of my life have I ever thought “That is what I want to do for the rest of my life.”
I hate my job. Truly, I hate my job. It has its good sides, I am very well remunerated for what I do, I get to see parts of the world that many people have never even heard of, but after 35 years of living out of a suitcase I hate it.
So what can I do? Really? What could I do for the rest of my days to earn gainful employment?
I dont like people very much, I like to write but I dont like to speak. I love to travel, I love to ride my bike, I like being warm, I like to drink beer and I like to read. That is about it.
I have a history degree, although I have never used it. It was done as a bet, to prove a point that anyone can get a degree if the interest and application is there. And I am living proof that that is the case.
I’ve been around the block, seen and done things that I have thoroughly enjoyed, have been scared for my life, have literally had to push my lower jaw back up to my mouth after seeing wonderous things and have achieved long standing dreams.
But I’m not satisfied with it. I want something else. But I dont know what.
My job gives me hours and hours to think. This can be a good thing, it allows me to dream of things. Of stuff. Of plans. Of the future. Of what I have yet to achieve. Of friends. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax. But it can also be a bad thing. It allows me to see where I’ve failed. Things I’ve done wrong. Things I should have done differently. Things I’ve said that I shouldn’t have. Things I’ve done that I shouldn’t have.
Materially I have achieved. I have a big house, paid for. I have a nice car, a nice watch, all paid for. I owe nothing to anybody.
I look at my kids and grandkids, all healthy happy individuals, I know I’ve achieved. I know that at least in that department, thanks to my partners and my grandchildrens parents, things have turned out well.
Spiritually (probably not the correct word, but I can’t think what the correct word would be) though, my life is lacking. I have never had a “cause” to fight for, never had a burning ambition, a real forceful driving “thing.”
If anybody could tell me what it is I need, answers on a postcard would be gratefully accepted.