Life huh?

My first post in many a while. Nothing travel or bike related. A pondering on life and where I find myself in it.

Here I am, sat in an office at 53 years old, doing a job I hate, wondering what on earth I’m going to be when I grow up.

Some people I know have always wanted to be what they are now. When I was a soldier, many of my friends had wanted to be soldiers since they could remember.  Others have grown into careers they love. My own sister worked in retail before changing everything and becoming a nurse. It’s now a vocation for her, something she can’t ever see herself not doing.

Me…. I truly don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

I’ve never wanted to be anything. Never, in all of my life have I ever thought “That is what I want to do for the rest of my life.”

I hate my job. Truly, I hate my job. It has its good sides, I am very well remunerated for what I do, I get to see parts of the world that many people have never even heard of, but after 35 years of living out of a suitcase I hate it.

So what can I do? Really? What could I do for the rest of my days to earn gainful employment?

I dont like people very much, I like to write but I dont like to speak. I love to travel, I love to ride my bike, I like being warm, I like to drink beer and I like to read. That is about it.

I have a history degree, although I have never used it. It was done as a bet, to prove a point that anyone can get a degree if the interest and application is there. And I am living proof that that is the case.

I’ve been around the block, seen and done things that I have thoroughly enjoyed, have been scared for my life, have literally had to push my lower jaw back up to my mouth after seeing wonderous things and have achieved long standing dreams.

But I’m not satisfied with it. I want something else. But I dont know what.

My job gives me hours and hours to think. This can be a good thing, it allows me to dream of things. Of stuff. Of plans. Of the future. Of what I have yet to achieve. Of friends. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax. But it can also be a bad thing. It allows me to see where I’ve failed. Things I’ve done wrong. Things I should have done differently. Things I’ve said that I shouldn’t have. Things I’ve done that I shouldn’t have.

Materially I have achieved. I have a big house, paid for. I have a nice car, a nice watch, all paid for. I owe nothing to anybody.

I look at my kids and grandkids, all healthy happy individuals, I know I’ve achieved. I know that at least in that department, thanks to my partners and my grandchildrens parents, things have turned out well.

Spiritually (probably not the correct word, but I can’t think what the correct word would be) though, my life is lacking. I have never had a “cause” to fight for, never had a burning ambition, a real forceful driving “thing.”

If anybody could tell me what it is I need, answers on a postcard would be gratefully accepted.

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About bobleponge216

Elderly rotund toothless male seeks wilderness to travel to.
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14 Responses to Life huh?

  1. Don’t fret, mate. I don’t know what I want to do with my life either (and I’ve been retired fopr more tha a decade).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aye, tis a tough one. Wordsworth stylee, I’m wandering lonely as a cloud (metaphorically) at the moment. I just seem to follow life, i appear to have lost the will to swim against the tide. All will be reet I’m sure. A moment of melancholy, nothing more.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Write a book. People love tales of travel; ask that fella from Monty Python!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have at least 10 on various burners of backness, but to apply myself to write a book i would need to be able to support myself for a year. Which currently i cant, sadly.

      Like

      • So pick one, and write it whilst at work. Stop making excuses; you sound like me! X

        Liked by 1 person

      • You appear to have not read the bit about me hating my job. I am looking to leave as soon as is humanly possible. But one of them will see the light of day in the future. Maybe.

        Like

      • No, I got that bit. But you also said your job gives you plenty of time to sit and ponder. So I was thinking sit and write instead (or dictate into a machine, for use later), and half the job is done.
        It’s very easy to get melancholy when stuck doing something you hate, but sometimes you just have to flick a switch in your head, and focus on what can be achieved instead of the negativity. Give yourself a kick up the arris; you’re better-off than the majority. X

        Liked by 1 person

      • Agreed, I most certainly am better off than the majority.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Richard Ross says:

    Dig deep mate, sounds like a bad patch. Hating your job is understandable but the one you have gives you time to sit and ponder at least. Keep taking the money and keep on looking. There are plenty out of work at the moment so don’t jump until you’re certain.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Alan Hammond says:

    As a kid I wanted to be an Astronaut, then a pilot, neither happened.I have had many jobs and hated the majority of them, but met many fine individuals along the way. Unlike you I have no qualifications as I’m a bit dolly dimple, I don’t burn my bridges I blow them up. I have upset many people with my big mouth and chest poking, and at 53 yrs I still don’t know what I want to do. In a nut shell mate I’ve fucked up big time, but there’s always beer. Chin up mate, I’m still going to buy you a house in Bédoin when my numbers come up.

    Liked by 1 person

    • At least you wanted to be something mate. I never ever have. I suppose now i do though. I want to be retired young, living in a house with a pool in Bedoin riding my bike up and down The Beast 300 plus times a year. Touch of the blues yesterday, today’s another day.

      Like

  5. Alan Hammond says:

    You can do it mate!!

    Liked by 1 person

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